im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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