i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
