No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
