Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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