i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I need water and some morals
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
