my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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