Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
