the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
