At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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