Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
well you can't waste a boner
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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