Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
