i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
