I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
