i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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