i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
