My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
