All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
