I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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