final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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