glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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