So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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