can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
