he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
