I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
