you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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