where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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