at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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