I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
