Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
