i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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