His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize