What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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