I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
