Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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