Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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