hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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