My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So apparently I’m into choking now
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