what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
