okay pat passed out under dana's car
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
