shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
