I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
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