Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vagina is officially offended.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
