If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize