so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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