Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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