Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
