i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
