well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
