I think I just saw someone hide a body.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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