I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize