I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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