cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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