If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
