Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
