If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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