fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
