dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
