I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
