In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize