i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
