when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
