hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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