Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
