I just threw up on my dentist
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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