You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize