The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
