Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize
