my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
