I just threw up on my dentist
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize