nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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