i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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