Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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