So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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